Cemel Dosce. Know thyself.
Everyone has the potential to be the hero or the villain in the story. And sometimes, even when we're trying to do what's right, others will see us as the villain, or when we're trying to ignore what we know is right we still end up the hero. Sometimes we don't feel we should be rewarded, or we feel as though we didn't do anything to deserve the praise we've received, but what it comes down to is that others will never see us the way we see ourselves.
I've spent years trying to figure out who I am. Years pushing people away, holding them at a safe distance - that which I felt was safer both for them and for myself. I was so afraid of the things I knew I could do that I never recognized the potential I had. Instead, I spent my time worrying over the wrongs I'd done. I've done many things in an attempt to serve penance for my sins, the wrongs I've committed, and in the end I'm coming to a peace. In the end, I'm realizing the only person left who needs to forgive me is me.
Until we forgive ourselves, we can never become the hero in our own stories. We must find the way to pay a penance only we can name before we'll ever find that peace we all long for. Things will never be perfect, nor will they be easy just because I've made my peace with my past. Considering my track record, I've got lots of rocky paths in my future - but it will all be worth it.
Rant over.
Pax vobiscum,
- zKhristy -
3.24.2009
dilɪŋ wɪɵ ɵʌ dɪskamfɛrt ʌv imoʃʌnʌl rispənsɪbɪlɪti.
Cemel Dosce. Know thyself.
So I'm taking a Linguistics class this semester. Trying to learn it and understand it. Very difficult. 'Nuff said.
The Title means "Dealing with the discomfort of emotional responsibility." And that's just what I'm attempting to do. Over the course of the past two years, I've taken on the task of allowing myself to care more about people and to allow them to care about me in return. Basically, I'm learning to care, to feel emotion, to not be so detached from reality. It sucks royal donkey balls. I'm not kidding. After so many years of not caring, letting myself care hurts. A lot. How do you people deal with this pain on a daily basis? Seriously, I don't get it. Caring is not easy, it gives me a whole new respect for people.
I've never really been able to fully connect with people. I've always remained at a distance, letting people within a certain proximity but not close enough to do harm. All that changed recently, when some people kind of forced their way into my life. Namely, it started with Bethany, Lewis, Jeff, and Ross. And then they forced their way into my heart as well. We started hanging out, having fun together, but I still tried to hold them off a bit. Then they started hugging me. I think they thought it was funny how I'd tense up and screech when they did it. They probably didn't know they were breeching my carefully constructed walls to keep people out. Eventually, it led to really good friendships and my decision to try this caring thing.
Little by little, more people found their way into my life and stuck it out. Ben(jamin), the male version of me. Jordan, who started out as a good friend, becoming my best friend quickly, and now my boyfriend. Meaghan, soon-to-be roommate and good friend. Jackie, a Linguistics study buddy, now a good friend. These people have come to mean so much to me. And I'm working on the caring thing. It's scary, terrifying at times. Jordan supports me more than anyone, always there for me as I face my past and try to maintain faith in the future. Faith in our relationship. Trusting another person to be so close to me, to know so much about me, and to not betray that trust. He scares me more than anyone. He also has managed to earn my complete trust. Maybe that's what scares me.
I don't know how to do this. I really don't know what I'm doing at all. Sometimes I think it would be better to detach than to remember. Remembering hurts. Flashbacks, nightmares, I barely sleep and I feel so worn down. I don't want to remember anymore. But once that door is opened, there's no closing it. The memories have been coming back for a week straight, years of repressed emotion and things I blocked out. A decade of everything I never let myself see or feel, tearing me apart. I feel so selfish, too. More and more, I feel like all I'm doing is thinking about me, remembering, crying. I feel like I'm breaking inside again, beyond what I've already been through. And I thought that I was hurting before.
Here I go again, ranting on and on about selfish things. Is this selfish? Facing all of this pain, remembering a childhood I never really had. My whole life have been lived in fear, cutting off to protect myself, self-injurious behaviors to make myself less attractive and maintaining unhealthy choices to keep myself overweight for the same reason. It's only the past year or so that I've been able to hold on to a more healthy weight, and many times, I feel the desire to hide myself again, to gain that weight back out of a protective instict, a fear that I'll draw unwanted attentions again. And sometimes, I can't decipher if what I'm feeling is my self-defense mechanisms again, trying to make me detach and run away, or if it's real feelings. So often, I try to cut off from Jordan, who has somehow managed to hold this unhuman amount of patience with me and my issues. I don't know how he does it. He listens to me and lets me freak out, he calms me down and won't let me run away. He chases after me when I do. And when I try to break off, he shows up immediately and talks me through it. He's been there during flashbacks, when I fall into the past and relive the things I've tried so hard to forget, and he walks me through them. More and more, I wonder what I did right to deserve someone like him.
I put myself into a counseling program of sorts through the Women's Center on campus. Hopefully it will help me. Okay, I can admit it. It is helping me. The fact that my nightmares and flashbacks are increasing means I've brought those things back to the surface, which means I'm starting to deal with them. I know it will be difficult for awhile. It's gotten progressively worse over the past week and a half, since I experienced one flashback with Jordan there that he talked me through, got me talking during. I hope this works. I hope I can get through it, wake up from this living nightmare and maybe have a semi-normal life.
And now that I've ranted for awhile, I'll stop. Perhaps the next entry won't be so down.
Rant over.
Pax vobiscum,
- zKhristy -
So I'm taking a Linguistics class this semester. Trying to learn it and understand it. Very difficult. 'Nuff said.
The Title means "Dealing with the discomfort of emotional responsibility." And that's just what I'm attempting to do. Over the course of the past two years, I've taken on the task of allowing myself to care more about people and to allow them to care about me in return. Basically, I'm learning to care, to feel emotion, to not be so detached from reality. It sucks royal donkey balls. I'm not kidding. After so many years of not caring, letting myself care hurts. A lot. How do you people deal with this pain on a daily basis? Seriously, I don't get it. Caring is not easy, it gives me a whole new respect for people.
I've never really been able to fully connect with people. I've always remained at a distance, letting people within a certain proximity but not close enough to do harm. All that changed recently, when some people kind of forced their way into my life. Namely, it started with Bethany, Lewis, Jeff, and Ross. And then they forced their way into my heart as well. We started hanging out, having fun together, but I still tried to hold them off a bit. Then they started hugging me. I think they thought it was funny how I'd tense up and screech when they did it. They probably didn't know they were breeching my carefully constructed walls to keep people out. Eventually, it led to really good friendships and my decision to try this caring thing.
Little by little, more people found their way into my life and stuck it out. Ben(jamin), the male version of me. Jordan, who started out as a good friend, becoming my best friend quickly, and now my boyfriend. Meaghan, soon-to-be roommate and good friend. Jackie, a Linguistics study buddy, now a good friend. These people have come to mean so much to me. And I'm working on the caring thing. It's scary, terrifying at times. Jordan supports me more than anyone, always there for me as I face my past and try to maintain faith in the future. Faith in our relationship. Trusting another person to be so close to me, to know so much about me, and to not betray that trust. He scares me more than anyone. He also has managed to earn my complete trust. Maybe that's what scares me.
I don't know how to do this. I really don't know what I'm doing at all. Sometimes I think it would be better to detach than to remember. Remembering hurts. Flashbacks, nightmares, I barely sleep and I feel so worn down. I don't want to remember anymore. But once that door is opened, there's no closing it. The memories have been coming back for a week straight, years of repressed emotion and things I blocked out. A decade of everything I never let myself see or feel, tearing me apart. I feel so selfish, too. More and more, I feel like all I'm doing is thinking about me, remembering, crying. I feel like I'm breaking inside again, beyond what I've already been through. And I thought that I was hurting before.
Here I go again, ranting on and on about selfish things. Is this selfish? Facing all of this pain, remembering a childhood I never really had. My whole life have been lived in fear, cutting off to protect myself, self-injurious behaviors to make myself less attractive and maintaining unhealthy choices to keep myself overweight for the same reason. It's only the past year or so that I've been able to hold on to a more healthy weight, and many times, I feel the desire to hide myself again, to gain that weight back out of a protective instict, a fear that I'll draw unwanted attentions again. And sometimes, I can't decipher if what I'm feeling is my self-defense mechanisms again, trying to make me detach and run away, or if it's real feelings. So often, I try to cut off from Jordan, who has somehow managed to hold this unhuman amount of patience with me and my issues. I don't know how he does it. He listens to me and lets me freak out, he calms me down and won't let me run away. He chases after me when I do. And when I try to break off, he shows up immediately and talks me through it. He's been there during flashbacks, when I fall into the past and relive the things I've tried so hard to forget, and he walks me through them. More and more, I wonder what I did right to deserve someone like him.
I put myself into a counseling program of sorts through the Women's Center on campus. Hopefully it will help me. Okay, I can admit it. It is helping me. The fact that my nightmares and flashbacks are increasing means I've brought those things back to the surface, which means I'm starting to deal with them. I know it will be difficult for awhile. It's gotten progressively worse over the past week and a half, since I experienced one flashback with Jordan there that he talked me through, got me talking during. I hope this works. I hope I can get through it, wake up from this living nightmare and maybe have a semi-normal life.
And now that I've ranted for awhile, I'll stop. Perhaps the next entry won't be so down.
Rant over.
Pax vobiscum,
- zKhristy -
3.05.2009
Working on it...
I'm working on continuing to post here. Actually, I want to start updating on the life of a fucked up person attempting to care. Currently, it sucks royal donkey balls. There are the good points, and I know it is supposed to get better and all, but this caring thing hurts. More soon(ish) I hope.
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